On a 20 minute walk, I changed my life. Here’s how:

Anxiety lives in my chest, the kind that builds and builds. Worry about the future, guilt from past choices and the pain of their subsequent consequences, the pressure to heal before moving forward, the belief that maybe I’m bound to be this stuck forever. Those internal messages, dialogues, and beliefs… they compound on one another. They echo voices and memories from childhood, and they transform into an unstable electricity that lives right there. That space around my heart, hovering under my skin and bones. 

As a child, I learned to self-sooth by avoiding, smothering, muting these feelings and thoughts. Like any Gen Z kid, screen time was my antidote. Drowning in the numbness of other people’s lives and mindless stimulation kept me from feeling electric, but simultaneously drained my light. These habits have followed me into adulthood, tainting my relationships, casting shadows over my mind and hindering my ability to just make the most out of life. 

That’s what I was doing on my couch this morning. Immediately when I woke up, I felt the churn of those thoughts start to make their loop in my nervous system: “you chose wrong, you’ll regret it”, “you’ll never accomplish that goal”, “you lost your chance to have what you want”. The voice of our fears can be very persuasive, and this time it persuaded me to sit and couch rot. Classic. 

Watching TV with my breakfast was only enough to drown in momentarily. After a while, I turned to scrolling. I couldn’t tell you what I watched. Reel after reel, y’all know the drill. That was until I came across one line – “what you aren’t changing, you’re choosing”. Perhaps the universe hacked my algorithm, because amongst my numbing, dopamine overload, this shook me awake. I was presented with a choice. Sit here and choose avoidance, or choose something else. I picked my sorry ass off the couch, put my phone on the kitchen table and walked right out my front door. A choice. 

I headed to a nature reserve track down the road from my flat. I barely made it 30 seconds before the electricity started churning in my chest again. Tension, discomfort, unsettling waves of energy swirled right back up from where I had shoved them down, but I kept walking on. 

It’s summer time here in Queenstown, and the lupins are starting to make their appearance. A crystal clear creek runs through the nature reserve, and along it, bunches of lupins stretch tall towards the sky in the brightest shades of purple, blue and pink. Despite the swirl and churn in my chest, I noticed them.

Feet and hands in the grass, I sat down next to a beautiful periwinkle colored one, and I just looked at it. The harder and longer I looked, the more I saw. A bumble bee buzzing. A little green insect nestled between two petals. The way each petal stretches out from the stem in perfect unison. A whole ecosystem thriving in one lupin. 

This is not the part where I talk about how I had an epiphany that life is so much bigger than me and my problems because I saw an insect living his life in a flower. That story is much too saturated and besides the point. The point is that I noticed. I noticed something that I would never have paid attention to that day, because I chose differently. And that is change. 

It was amazing, the more I witnessed around me, in the present moment, the more the electricity disappeared. In 10 minutes, it was gone. Calmness and peace took up the space it left behind, matching the vibration of the nature around me. 

So I noticed some more. As I walked along the track, a bunny jumped out before me and hopped along the path. The corners of my mouth curled into a smile. Bold green grass drifted under the water of the stream, and swimming it, was a mama duck and her ducklings. I watched them and saw that they were bigger, flufflier and better at scavenging for food on their own than they were the last time I’d seen them on this walk. They’d grown, and so had I. Rustling in the bush was a goat standing high on his hocks to reach the leaves. Munching on his breakfast, he turned his head. I noticed him. He noticed me.  

With every step, my body softened, and my feet carried me back home. The rest of my day flowed from this new found state. I got ready for the day in silence. I walked to worth without distraction and with the same lightness in my step. I served customers with grace and kindness. I went to the gym and served my body with movement. Every choice and action thereafter was motivated by the energy I created within myself that morning. 

Those dark voices in my head were muted and replaced with kindness, softness, and motivation. Images of my failure that often haunt me were replaced with visions of me happy, achieving my dreams; building a life I deserve. Suddenly, steps towards my desires felt less out of reach and more, well, entirely up to me. 

If I can change an entire day by making one alternate choice for myself, then I have the power to change anything. Because I showed up differently today, I know I can show up differently for my family, for my relationships, for my friends, and for myself. Because I acted differently today, I know I can choose aligned action for my goals and dreams.

Though this may have been a small feat, it’s a micro win. One that engrains new evidence into my mind, body, and soul that I am capable, that I can grow, that I can evolve. The more we push through the discomfort to build new evidence for ourselves, the more our minds shift, the more they become our friends rather than our enemies, and the closer we come to our most optimal lives. 

One choice is all you need to start a whole new life. Do it, see what you find. 

I have been gathering evidence that I can change

So when the wounded voice of fear

Tells me different would be too hard

Forwards would be too far

I can say

With conviction

I have sat through discomfort 

And found peace

That I have walked through the electricity

And found momentum

And if I can do it once,

Girl, you know I can do it again.

Xoxo,

Avy